I experience many of my panic attacks when I am in bed at night. The time passes so slowly yet it's already the darkest hour and my family has gone to bed, I am alone. For as long as I can remember, I've always felt the most comfort when I know other people are up in case I needed them. Memories of when I was three and I would take my special blanky and lay at the top of the stairs because I could hear the tv and see the lights on right below me. Then in elementary school, my Mom worked from home, and many times she worked at night in her office across the hall from my room. I always made sure I was tucked into bed with my door wide open so I could see her with the lamp on before she finished up for the evening. That is how I fell asleep. My sister and I shared the love for panicking and all while she was in high school and me in middle school, we slept together in the same twin size bed. We both needed someone and God gave us each other. I had a lot of adjusting to do when she went away to college. But now, eight years later, while I don't sleep outside my parent's bedroom door anymore or squeeze into a tiny bed with my sister, I still struggle. It starts with a thought, many times about my past and triggering memories. Before I know it I am spirling and it feels like I am trapped in a lake frozen over with ice. For a long time, I would wake up my mom. She would come lay with me and hold me while I sobbed myself to an uneasy sleep. About a year ago, I started writing texts to my mom telling her all about the fear I was feeling and how much I needed her, but I would never send them. This became a way for me to cope with my Panic attacks and learn how to get myself through them on my own. What works for me and what doesn't. It isn't a perfect system but it is much better than it was. Baby steps. August 20th, 2019 (approximately 2 am) I take my Zofran and hydroxyzine and distract myself. I know I can get through this and I don’t want to rely on someone every time this happens. Independence. I can breathe through this, I’ve done it a thousand times before. I am strong and brave. Writing this helps. It feels like you are here next to me even when you don’t respond, it’s very comforting. Writing down this feeling is almost like with every word, some of the pain goes away. Some of the nausea dissipates. I am so much stronger than my body thinks, I have power. True, I cannot control when I have an episode or the internal flubs that happen during it. But staying calm and breathing will help me survive. I have learned that panicking only hurts. So I grab my necessities and get to work to help my body and mind through this moment. Sitting up and acknowledging the pain and nausea is the first step. Trying to completely ignore it never works for me personally. I need to be present with how I am feeling and then we keep going. I decide how bad this is. Is it a bile/acid problem and I need to coat the lining of my esophagus and stomach or am I just nauseous? Is it nerves? Once I figure out what is going on, I know what I need next. That is one positive that comes out of having these episodes so often. After a while, I don't have to guess and suffer anymore. I can identify the feeling and where it is coming from and I have these “protocols” in place for each one that I turn to so I can get out of ground zero as soon as possible. I always have my heating pad accessible from my bed with the outlet open, heat always helps soothe my stomach and relaxes it. I learned that in 4th grade when I got the flu in school and the nurse gave me a warm sponge to keep on my sick little tummy and help ease the tense muscles. Heat is so comforting and it has great benefits. Next, I figure out if I need a Gatorade or a shake or something more like a pudding cup or plain cheerios. Safe foods that all serve the purpose of coating the lining and absorbing the acid and bile. I have it down to a science and you can always find these items either in my mini-fridge a foot away or in my bedside 'emergency’ basket. Another important factor. The more I move, the worse it gets. So having everything I could possibly need as close to me as possible and within my reach is key. Some things are unavoidable like the fridge but it is much better than having to go all the way down to the kitchen or needing to wake up a family member to help me. I hate doing that. Now that my stomach is being heated and I have the right snack in me, I go to my distractions. YouTube is first. The majority of the time, I go straight to Achievement Hunter Minecraft let’s plays. The background noise is calming and helps me feel less alone and gives my mind something more to focus on so my thoughts don’t wander and I start overthinking everything making myself worse. We want to avoid panic at all costs. Occasionally the let’s play videos will randomly cause anxiety for me so my next safety net is listening to funny Family Feud moments with Steve Harvey. That man is a comedic genius. Perfect distraction, comedy. With my background noise playing, I need to do something with my hands, more brain stimulation to avoid creeping thoughts. Sometimes I’ll do this, I sit and write, putting my thoughts down so I don’t drown in them inside my head. Then I can come back and reference this the next time I need a reminder of how I get through the tough times. If I’m not in the mood to write, I’ll do color by number on my iPad, super simple, no colored pencils needed and a million pictures to choose from. Plus the app I use has achievements in it so I enjoy the challenge of working towards a specific goal. Above all, I breathe and pray. I know panicking will never help me and God will not let me suffer alone, having a strong faith is the number one factor when it comes to doing this night after night.
Well, it is the next night and I did it. The writing really helped me relax and eventually, I was able to lay down and I don’t even remember falling asleep.
October 12th, 2019 (4 am)
I freaking hate this time of year. My body trying desperately to adjust to the cold. I have to sleep in shorts so I’m freezing (long pajama pants make me feel claustrophobic). The space heater is on but I have to find the right adjustment so it doesn’t get too warm. Then my stomach clenches cause my whole body is so tense from the cold. All my muscles contracting. Anxiety is high. I’m nauseous. I’m back to sleeping with my lantern on cause I don’t like being in the dark. I need Wilson to sleep with me at least so I can pet him till I fall asleep. He won’t stay. I’m drinking the same Gatorade over and over again which makes me sicker. As odd as it sounds I really want a Starbucks green tea frap to help me cool down internally. 4 am and I haven’t fallen asleep yet. I’m exhausted but I lay down and my stomach churns. iPad games and YouTube noise helps get me through nights. I’m so frustrated.
-The following is a text I was going to send to my mom. But I wanted it here instead. Complaining yet again and looking for someplace to vomit my thoughts. But as I was searching for a document, I found this. It’s crazy. This next paragraph references back to the night of August 20th. Hopefully, that makes sense. -
December 13th, 2019 (around 4 am)
It’s another bad night and I need someplace to vomit my thoughts. So I pulled up this document. I wrote this quite a while ago and when I read it, it was as if I was reading something someone else wrote. Someone who suffers so similarly to me. I was almost dumbfounded. Then at some point, I realized I understood it so well because I wrote it. And it’s all true. I’m doing the same thing tonight. Stomach issues and straight into the same routine that I know will save me and get me through yet another night in hell. I’m so tired. I want to sleep. A good night of deep sleep but I’m not ready to lay down yet. I push the heating pad a little closer to my stomach while sitting up then eventually when my brain is too tired to process physical feelings, I’ll simply fall back into my pillows and close my eyes. Drifting out of this world. I really need to publish this somewhere. Maybe these rambling thoughts at 4 am that seems to invade my brain will help someone else put into words what they are feeling. I think it’s crazy. As I was reading what I wrote about YouTube, I noticed I did the exact same thing. I was trying to listen to Minecraft as my distraction but it was making me more and more nervous. So I went straight over to Family Feud. My brain knows what my body needs, they just suck at communicating. I’m still nauseous and I don’t want to keep drinking fake flavored water. Maybe a ginger ale would help though I like my Starbucks idea much more. Maybe in the morning Mom can take me.
January 1st, 2020 (2 am)
Happy new year, starting it off the only way I know how. K got some crackers and ginger ale with my heating pad. Next is Zofran. I want to get through this. I know I can. I’ve done it before. My anxiety is making it worse though cause everyone has been sick lately I keep thinking it’s that but I’m doing my box breathing and reminding myself this happens multiple times a week and this is just my normal GP issues and nothing more. I’m telling my brain to stop messing with me and that I am fine. I’ll sit here and snack and sip my drink while being engulfed in soothing heat, then eventually I’ll feel so tired I’ll simply fall asleep and as always, I will be ok. I can do this I am a strong independent woman. Anxiety can go suck a dick. I might start posting these somewhere maybe it will help someone else struggling. I’m so thankful I’ve found an outlet that helps. Once I start writing a text to Mom I never end up sending it but I just keep writing and it’s hard for me to stop, everything just flows. I love that I’m able to have this outlet.
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